"Cruise Control" 11.2.2023; 

I've decided today's topic is going to be about complacency, or as I like to call it, "cruise control". Complacency can be a dangerous thing in a relationship. The funny (not so funny) part about it is usually only one partner in the relationship is aware of it happening and the other is not aware at all. That may be the scariest part, once it is brought to your attention. Your mind wakes up wondering, how did I not see the signs? Why did I let it get this bad without doing anything? And that just so happens to be me, every morning for some time now. I'm the one on "cruise control". I'm the one comfortable with work, kids, and household duties. Don't get me wrong, those things are important too. But, when that is all you're doing day in and day out, it can be very unhealthy for you and your spouse to connect on a level other than being parents to your kids. 

Have you ever thought to yourself, man it feels like we are just roommates who have kids together? I've thought that many times. That though is how blind I was to what was going on around me in my relationship. I had thought those things, and I wasn't man enough to admit that I was part of the problem! How could I be so arrogant to think this only fell on her to make the relationship better. How did I justify it to myself that since she was the one that wanted to go out and do stuff together, that she was the one that needed to make the plans. Thats "cruise control". Thats seeing subtle signs and ignoring the hell out of them because I was comfortable with a mediocre life. I was comfortable saying "ah lets save the money and not go out for a date night." Or "no I don't want to go hang with you and our friends because I'm tired." Again, I can understand that people aren't always going to want to do those things, because let's face it, this world is a busy place when you have kids, a job, and household to maintain. But turning it down every single time became part of my "cruise control". It became too easy to say no and not consider what my spouse needed from me. I forgot how to be a husband. She didn't need me to be just a dad to our children, she needed me to be a loving husband to her. 

As I have sat back and tried to narrow down how this has all started, I think back to the past decade and what I've gone through personally. I have had a lot of unfortunate things happen to me since about 2016. Quick losses of people I loved, injuries, and loss of jobs to name a few. 2016 I had an injury at work that left me pretty much living in a recliner for almost a year. I had messed up my shoulder so bad, that to this day I still have constant problems with it. That year, my spouse handled everything. She dealt with the kids and their activities, her job and schooling she was in, the house stuff, and me stuck in that recliner. She never once complained. It wore on her, I could see that, but she stood strong for me and the kids and got us through that. In 2018, just as I thought I had finally figured out to deal with my shoulder pain issues, I lost my oldest brother Brian to a terrible work accident that should've never happened. I still to this day get extremely angry thinking of what transpired that day. He was a great mentor to me. He was the carefree brother. The one that just went wherever life took him and had a smile on his face the entire ride. He was the one that taught me it is ok to have fun and stop taking life so seriously all the time. And then, in 2021, I lost my idol, my rock, my person I confided in for absolutely anything in life. I lost my dad to cancer. In a future post I plan on diving much deeper into how I handled those losses and the impact they had on my relationship with my kids, my spouse, my family and even my father-in-law. The reason I bring all this up in this post today is, this is where my "cruise control" started. It started in 2016. It started when I couldn't be the man of the house with an income to support. When I couldn't be the man my wife married because of my injury. I couldn't express to her that I was feeling certain ways because I felt so less of a man already, that opening up to her about my feelings made me feel even less than I was already feeling. And from there, it continued to be easier and easier to bottle those emotions and feelings away. Pack them down deep and only breakdown when you are alone in a safe place. Because like I said in the post from yesterday, I really like when people think I have it all together. 

As this post comes to an end, I challenge anyone reading this who has a loved one at home, please express to them how you feel. Don't let them slip away because you are too gun-shy to talk about feelings or express how much they mean to you. Break away from those "cruise control" habits. Because you never know when that person you love may walk away from you and your relationship, walk out the door to go to work on a perfectly normal day and never come home, or go to that doctor's appointment and receive fatal news.

P.S. This goes out to anyone in need whether you know me or not. I have my email in the contact page. If anyone ever feels alone, sad, or hopeless, email me. Let's talk. I know I am not alone, and neither are you.

Are You Actually Listening? 11.3.2023;

Happy Friday! Today's topic of choice is going to be about communication as well as ACTUALLY listening. You know we listen to things and people all day long. It sounds so easy, right? Whether you're at home listening to your kids tell you about their day, a spouse relaying all the things that may have gone right or wrong during their day, or a friend or family member who needs someone to talk to. Listening goes hand in hand with communication. But why is it so hard for some? Why is it so hard for me? Why is it so hard to ACTUALLY listen, engage, and conversate with people you love?

I've done some soul searching on this one. I've read, I've listened to podcasts, and I've started asking for advice in therapy. The realization I have come to is I am simply terrible at both of these things, communicating and listening. I bottle up my emotions from losses until I'm so full of rage I blow up and it's usually on the people I love most. I always overthink about my problems in my head that I want to talk about, but never actually communicate them to my spouse. I tend to make our conversations one sided by letting her talk and me just replying "ya" or "uh huh" instead of actually engaging. This is where I fail when it comes to communication. I simply don't do it. Communication isn't one sided. I leave her guessing at what the problem(s) could be, but I won't allow her in. I've tried justifying to myself as a man that I don't need to burden her with my problems. Or I don't want to add any extra stress to her already full plate. But it doesn't have to be like that. I promise you; your spouse wants to hear you vent to them or hear about your day in more detail other than, " ya it was good, pretty busy day". That is not being engaged. Thats a generic, boring, and a non-specific answer. It's something I do constantly. Idk if I'm doing it because I don't want to actually engage with her. Maybe I'm just "tired" from work. Maybe it's because the TVs on or I'm on my phone and I'm getting distracted. But those are excuses. You can be "tired" and still give your spouse an engaged answer to how your day was at work. You can put the phone down, turn the TV off, and tell her about your day, even if it's only for 10 minutes. Maybe she'll communicate back and say wow that is amazing, or I'm so proud of you. Maybe she'll be able to relate more than you think which turns into an amazing conversation between you two. You never know until you try it. So, I am going to put in the work. My spouse deserves better from me. I must make a diligent effort to start talking about my feelings, telling her about my hopes, dreams, insecurities and fears before it's too late. 

As I have pinpointed some flaws I desperately need to work on when it comes to the communication side of things, I never thought in a million years about the other side of communication. The listening part. It has never once dawned on me that I'm terrible when it comes to listening as well. The most common things I do to not be an active listener to my spouse is messing around on my damn phone or get stuck watching TV. These phones and TVs can be poison to relationships. I get so distracted sometimes she'll have to holler loud enough to snap me out of my "phone zone" I'm in. What's crazy is while in that "phone zone" I'm still randomly saying "yup" or "you got it" when I don't even know what I'm saying that to. I'm agreeing to things I'm not even hearing. And worst of all is when your spouse recognizes you're not engaging, they'll find friends or family members to talk to instead. Which then leads to me being in the "phone zone" and her being on the phone talking to people who are actually engaging with her. So, here we are, both in the same room, but have built a huge metaphorical wall between us because lack of communication and listening. It's sad. It's heartbreaking to look back at how often I've done that to her. That isn't engaged listening on my part at all. Thats not even trying to be honest. Now, that's not the only thing I've learned about actively listening. I've also learned that the few times I was actually listening to her, I was still too busy in my head trying to problem solve for her. Spouses don't always communicate with you just so you can fix their problems. They sometimes just need someone to talk to. To actually hear them. To understand where they are coming from. Maybe just try to relate to their problems they're expressing to you. Give them eye contact so they know you're present in the conversation. Lift them up with encouragement. Hold them tight and tell them it's going to be ok. Let your spouse ask for your help, don't always offer right away. But always trying to problem solve for them isn't the answer. Sometimes it can come off as you are telling them they're doing something the wrong way, and here's the right way to do it. Even when that's not your intention. This can then create tension when they want to talk to you about something, but afraid all you're going to do is give them answers instead of just listen. Which then creates barriers. And those barriers are never a good thing in a relationship. I think as a man and a father I look at myself as the problem solver. I want to be needed in that way. It gives me the feeling of importance. But I am telling you right now, keep your nose out of the constant problem solving. Be their knight in shining armor who simply listens and comforts. If your spouse knows you are there for them, they'll ask for your advice and/or help when they need it, I promise you that. 

As this post comes to an end, I challenge you to put the dang phone down, turn that TV off, and engage with your spouse or loved one. Even if it's just for 10 mins a day. I know firsthand schedules can be conflicting, kids' activities can have you running everywhere, and life never seems to slow down. But I promise taking that 10 mins a day to listen to whatever your spouse has to say is 1000% more important than that funny meme, that dumb tv show, or those brain cell killing Tik Toks.

P.S. This goes out to anyone in need whether you know me or not. I have my email in the contact page. If anyone ever feels alone, sad, or hopeless, email me. Let's talk. I know I am not alone, and neither are you.

Insecure Much? 11.4.2023;

Today’s topic goes over my biggest fear when it comes to ME personally. That is my insecurities. Talking about these insecurities scares me. They make me feel weak. They make me feel vulnerable. It’s putting yourself and feelings out there. It’s hoping whoever it is that loves you can see more than just those insecurities. I know everyone has them. They probably aren’t all the same as mine. Some may be similar, but they all affect us in different ways. I do think some of these insecurities I feel, I have somewhat pinpointed where they may have come from. Others seem to be brand new and have come out of nowhere. Regardless, I need to work these insecurities. This starts with being honest with my spouse about them, vocalizing them to my spouse in a way that isn't yelling or arguing, and most importantly, showing my spouse I’m working on them day in and day out to be a better me for us.

Let’s start at the very very beginning. Let’s start with my height. Holy crap, I can’t believe I’m even writing this down. Ok, so I’ve never been a tall guy. I’m like 5’8” maybe 5’9” in some good shoes but, I’ve never been that tall. This has led to me usually being shorter than most women I’ve been with in my life. Especially in high school. Man, I didn’t seem to hit a growth spirt until 11^th grade. When saying this out loud it almost seems ridiculous. Height? Why should that matter so much? Well, I’ll tell you sometimes, not always, it makes me feel like less of a man. There's a stigma that men should be taller than their counterpart, because well, they're men. This weighs on me occasionally to this day. But when I actually rationalize this insecurity in my head, I have to believe that my spouse loves me for me, regardless of my height.

As I look further into what else makes me feel less of a man to my spouse, I have found that I’m worried I don’t make enough money. I’ve always had a consistent job. Even when I was injured, I still had an income coming in. It wasn’t nearly what an actual paycheck would’ve been at the time, but it covered what we needed. As I am proud of where I am now, I can say I’m making the most money I’ve ever brought in, in my life. Unfortunately, it just so happens to be during a bout of inflation that’s happening in our country. But I am no millionaire. I don’t make the money these doctors make that my spouse is around all day everyday make. I’m not as smart as those individuals. What makes me more special? This is something I need to work on getting over. I work, I work my butt off. That’s all I can do, right? Again, like I said above, I have to believe that my spouse loves me for me, regardless of the money I make, as long as I’m working and trying my best.

Now, as I’m about to deep dive into my darkest insecurity, I can say with almost certainty, I am not alone with this one. Whether you are a man or women, someone has felt this way or is currently feeling this way. That would be the “looks” side of things. This is the one that has taken the wheel as of late. It’s mind-blowing how beautiful my spouse is. Since our reconnection in 2009, she’s been the apple of my eye and always will be. The crazy part is this beautiful woman actually finds me attractive! How? Shes a solid 10+ and I'm maybe a 6 on a good day. I'm not some tall, buff, rich guy. Granted, I’m not overweight. I’m lucky in that sense that I don’t really struggle with my weight. But I’m not this lean ripped guy either. What makes me so special to deserve a beautiful, intelligent women like her? What makes me so special that she doesn’t up and leaves me for someone taller, more in shape, and richer than I am? I have been projecting this insecurity for a long time. Its kept me from doing all sorts of things with her because I feel inadequate. I don’t want to go out because I feel less than. I don’t feel attractive to my spouse. I don’t see what she sees in me that makes me attractive to her. This unfortunately comes from an unraveling mess of past relationships where I have been lied to and cheated on. I mean in some serious bad ways. Ways where I didn’t even know it was happening and thought I was in a great relationship. And then, boom, it hits me like a brick wall when I come to find out the truth. I know this is where my insecurity of not feeling attractive or “good enough” for my spouse comes from. It’s baggage I’ve brought on this, so far, 13-year marriage and is slowly showing its ugly face. I know it’s more than looks that makes a person attractive. It’s more than muscles, money, a haircut, or types of clothes they wear. But it is a part of it. It’s the part of it that I'm struggling with. Maybe it’s the stigma of TV, social media, and marketing that makes me feel this way. Makes me feel as if I’m not perfect on the outside then no one will love me. I’ve lost sight of what else I bring to the table to round out my attractiveness as a whole to my spouse. I’m actually a really smart guy. I don’t give myself enough credit for that. I’m not a doctor, nor do I want to be and that’s ok. I’m also funny as hell. I used to make my spouse and kids laugh all the time. And as I’m slowly learning, I'm a pretty flippin’ good writer. These are just a couple of qualities that I have forgotten I possess. I have forgotten what makes me special as a person. What makes me the apple of my spouses' eye. And that, that right there is what I am currently working on most. Remembering who I am as an individual, not a label like husband or father. But as Chris f’n McCormick!

As this post comes to an end, I challenge anyone feeling this way to think of 3 positive things that make you special. Not as a spouse or parent, but as an individual. I also want you to think of 3 things that make your spouse or partner a special individual. And lastly, I challenge you to relay those 6 total things to your loved one today. Remind them you know what makes you special as an individual. Then remind them that you see their special qualities outside of being a parent or spouse. Remind them of why you fell in love with them.

P.S. This goes out to anyone in need whether you know me or not. I have my email in the contact page. If anyone ever feels alone, sad, or hopeless, email me. Let's talk. I know I am not alone, and neither are you.

How I've Handled (not handled) Loss 11.6.2023;

Today’s topic is going over the ones I’ve lost in my life recently. And how I so poorly handled my emotions and anger during those loses. Everyone's had someone they’ve lost. Whether it’s a close family member, friend, or loved one. Everyone can relate in some sense. It’s hard. It’s extremely hard for me to talk about. In past posts I have briefly brought up the anger and rage it has caused within me after the recent loss of family members. Really close family members, my dad and oldest brother. I want to cover how these losses have affected me. How they’ve affected my family. And how they’ve affected my relationships with others.

Brian McCormick: Man, where do I start. Well first, he was my oldest brother. The fullest of life guy you’d ever know. He wasn’t scared of anything. He was determined, yet free spirited. I think the guy probably had 100 different hobbies in this lifetime. And he knew how to do all of them well. He could snowboard, and not just snowboard down a hill. I'm talking ramps, rails, and halfpipes. The dude could shred. Then boom when Colorado became old news, he moved to Lahaina Maui Hawaii. He surfed, he did free diving, he would do cliff jumping. The guy even fell from a 2-story waterfall, hit his head on the way down on a giant rock and still didn’t allow that to slow him down. He was the dude I looked up to. He was this extreme sport, carefree, loving, beautiful soul. Someone I wanted to be just like. One of the things he did for me that I will be eternally grateful for is flying me down to Hawaii, on his own dime, for multiple summers in high school. And mind you, I did this alone. No parents, no other siblings, just me. I felt so damn cool. I felt so grown up. It was like living in a movie. I was 16 for my first visit. This first trip was about 4 weeks long. When I got there, he gave me a bike and a backpack and said, “this is all you’ll need to get around down here”. And he wasn’t wrong. The carefree island style living was the best. Then, when I was 17, he flew me down at the very beginning of my summer. This time I was going to be there for 9 weeks! And again, just me. We scuba dived, we para-sailed, we para-glided off the west Maui mountains. We even took his two dirt bikes on a fairy over to the smaller island of Lanai and camped out on the backside with zero and I mean zero other people around. I couldn’t see a house, a building, a shack, nothing. We dirt biked trails all day and then slept in the sand. No blankets and no pillows. We were like modern day nomads. This is where I learned to be carefree, loving and just a really cool person. I was taught by him, my big brother.  As years went by, some unfortunate things crossed Brians path, and he ended up back in Sioux City. I was now a father of one at the time, married to the love of my life to this day, and I had a lot more responsibilities. So, we didn’t always get the time I wished we did to hang out then. He luckily brought his free spirit attitude with him and quickly laid down awesome roots here in Sioux City. By 2018, he was set to be married in June to his beautiful fiancé, Arial. They were perfect for each other. But, as sick and twisted fate would have it, he never made it to that wedding day. He went off to work on a perfectly normal Wednesday in March, but this day he would get into a horrible work accident that would take his life. I received the news from my dad while I was at work. I immediately broke down and I cried for days on end. I started turning that sadness into anger and slowly started taking my feelings out on everyone around me. I started yelling at my wife when the slightest inconvenience would happen. Like dinner wasn't ready if I worked late, not realizing she too had an extremely stressful day. Or not having the house picked up to look like perfection because somehow, I thought that if the house was perfect, everything was perfect. I started yelling at my kids for simply being kids. Being loud, bickering, and making messes as well. I was drinking, smoking cigarettes, and just hurting myself and the people around me. I was not in a good mental position in my life after that.

Mike McCormick; The man, the myth, the mustache….that's what I used to call him. The guy had the best mustache ever. Even Travis Kelce’s mustache doesn’t have sh*t on my dad's. This guy, where do I even start. He was my absolute rock in my life. He kept me grounded. He was really the only person I felt comfortable opening up to. He was the man I looked up to most over any male figure ever in my life. I would call him for any advice. And he’d always have it. He always knew what to say to keep me rational, to make me think, and help me put my life problems into perspective. I’d go to him with a problem, it didn’t matter what it was, marital woes, house projects, car projects, or my kids acting up and not sure how to handle them. He knew how to handle it all. And most importantly, he knew how to communicate with me, how to handle things without me going into some sort of frenzy. This is where my knack for wanting to problem solve everything for my family has come from. He also taught me how to do that the right way. You can be the problem solver, without acting like a know-it-all. As I got older, my spouse and I started having kids and a family together. He became the best grandpa ever. No matter how busy he was, how many jobs he was working at the time, he always made time to see his grandkids. He would often come down to our place and watch them so my spouse and I could have date nights. He knew that was important in a relationship. And he definitely made every effort to afford my spouse and I that time once a week or bi-weekly. As years went by, he still came down and hung out with the kids, but some strange things started happening. He randomly would lose his balance out of nowhere and once even fell. Random acts of clumsiness that wasn’t like him. Unfortunately, father time seemed to be catching up slowly. In April of 2021, he became aware he was having a hard time reading things. They just didn’t make sense to him. Reading a tape measurer, or documents at work, even when trying to type on the computer. He was also having a hard time driving. We eventually got him into CNOS. They did a bunch of tests, and it came back that he had brain cancer. A very advanced form of brain cancer. This was the first time I saw my dad cry and look helpless. I didn’t know what to do. For the first time in my life, he was looking at me like he needed my help and advice. So, my siblings and I stepped up for him. Taking him to all his appointments, chemo, and therapy. Unfortunately, nothing was helping. It was overwhelming how quickly he was declining. He became non vocal extremely fast. That was one of the hardest parts for me. The man I have confided in my entire life can’t even speak to me now. He’s just looking at me and I can’t tell if he even understands me. This is where I started becoming a shell of myself. And in July of 2021, he was gone. The man I had never seen sick in my life just slipped away in the matter of 3 months and was gone.

After this I became a really nasty, irrational person. It didn’t happen overnight, but it was like a plague that was ripping through my soul, and I couldn’t keep it contained. I was angry. Angry at everyone. I didn’t express my emotions at all. At that time, I would’ve rather punched through a wall than talk about my feelings. I couldn’t even talk with my spouse, instead I yelled at her. I didn’t seek help in therapy. I just bottled it up and started exploding on everyone. I even held resentment towards my father-in-law. He was only trying to step in and help as much as he could, and I pushed him away as if he was trying to be a dad figure I didn’t want. I resented that he and his daughter, my wife, could still have a relationship and I couldn’t with my father any longer because he was gone. I was slowly becoming a terrible person. For much of my entire life, I have prided myself in being this person I learned to be from my older brother and dad. Carefree, thoughtful, funny, empathetic, a great dad, a great spouse, and a great person to myself. And I was. I really was people. I was a great person at one point in time. And in a matter of 2 years (2021-present), I have seemed to throw everything away. I have taken advantage of my loved ones. I have treated them so poorly. I have forced this look of perfection on the outside by keeping a perfectly kept house (to the point of utter obsession), keep my kids in brand new clothes, vacations, anything to keep from facing my demons. I have said unimaginable things to my spouse. Things I pray every night she can forgive me for saying. She deserves so, so, so much better from me. Not just better, but a complete and utter transformation from me. Not just, “I’m sorry, Ill got to therapy once in a while”, but a complete rewiring of my brain, my soul, and attitude towards her and our relationship. I know I can free this demon I have so badly held inside. I know I can do this because she is the most important person in my life. Shes the reason we have this beautiful family she has so graciously blessed me with. Shes the reason I want to be a better person, because she is the one now that teaches me the importance of being kind, empathetic, having a family, and actually living life to the fullest. She is my princess in shining armor, and I need her more than anything. I am so, so deeply sorry to her. I am so sorry for being her nightmare instead of her daydream. And I can confidently say I am already taking giant steps in making this complete transformation of myself. 

As I wipe the tears from my eyes today, wishing I had the opportunity to hold my spouse close to my heart, I challenge you to hold your loved one close to yours. Hold them tight. No words necessary. Just hold them and live in the moment. Let the worries, resentments, fears, and anger just fall off. Be thankful for them and their love. Understand that there isn't much time on this ride we call life, and we can no longer take advantage of what time we have left.

P.S. This goes out to anyone in need whether you know me or not. I have my email in the contact page. If anyone ever feels alone, sad, or hopeless, email me. Let's talk. I know I am not alone, and neither are you.

She’s needs to be “HER”, I need to be “ME”, to be a better “WE” 11.8.2023;

Today’s topic I want to touch on how important it is not to lose sight of who you are or who your spouse is as an individual. I like this topic because it seems to coincide with the “cruise control” post from last week. It is easy to get lost in the day-to-day grind of work, kids, and house duties. It can sometimes feel like a struggle just to have enough energy to get you to the upcoming weekend. Once you’re there, it can be hard not to sit around, binge watch TV, and try resetting that energy for the next week to come. So, when do you find time for yourself? When does your spouse find time for themself? When do you both find time to spend together outside the home as a couple, not as parents. All three of these are absolutely necessary in a successful relationship.

As I have taken a couple days off from writing to reflect on what I’ve been learning to better my mind, body, and soul, I’ve come to realize…. What do I do for myself? I haven’t asked myself this in a long time. What do I want as an individual? I mean, I have what I want at home. Two beautiful, healthy, ambitious daughters. An absolutely gorgeous, smart, successful wife. And a beautiful home to come home to. But that’s not all of what makes me who I am as a person. Those don’t completely define me as an individual. There are things I used to do for myself, in my free time, that made me feel so good in the past. I used to have many hobbies. I love skateboarding, golfing, fishing, target shooting, and playing tennis, just to name a few. I used to do these activities often. And I am fantastic at them. I used to be so excited for Sunday morning tennis with the friend I played with. Or waking up bright and early on a Saturday morning to meet my brother out on the golf course to get in 9 holes. These activities kept me whole. They helped me remember that I can step away from my family for a few hours and just be me without feeling guilty that I’m not right there, every second, to help if my spouse or kids needed it.

Unfortunately, as time has gone by and life has gotten busier and busier, I have forgotten the importance of “me” time. I started feeling guilty for stepping away to have fun because I knew my spouse was stressed with schooling or work. So, I felt the need to man up and fully indulge in the kids and household work 24/7. I became infatuated with keeping the house perfectly clean. I felt, in my mind, that this is what my spouse needed so she didn't feel overwhelmed any more than she already was. But as I slipped into that rut of monotony, I started holding grudges when my spouse would want time to herself away from the home and family. In my head I was justifying it as, well if I can fully commit to doing house duties, kid's duties and work and that’s all, then she should be able to do the same. But as I’ve learned over time, that’s not fair to anyone. It's not fair to me to think I need to be the sole provider and caretaker for this home without being able to take time for myself. And it's not fair to my spouse to have the guilt I put on her for just wanting time to be herself. I'm learning, we can both be our own person and still love each other just as much. Doing separate things doesn’t make you separated, it makes you individuals. And personally, I am finding out, when that space is given, it actually makes you closer with your spouse. It gives you more to talk about because it's not the same old same old every single day. It can make you proud of each other for accomplishing goals independently, that can be celebrated together.

Lastly, as important as it is to make sure you don’t lose sight of who you are as an individual in a relationship, in my opinion, its equally as important to partake in couple activities. This helps you not lose sight of who you are as a couple. It's great to go out as a couple with friends and grab dinner and drinks or take a day trip somewhere. But doing things alone as a couple reminds you of the times before kids, careers, and the chaos life brings as you get older. It gets you out of the “cruise control” day to day grind. Try something new with them. Laugh with them. Flirt with them! Remind them why you fell in love with them and vice versa. But most importantly, show them you are willing to mix it up, be adventurous, and try new things that are outside your comfort zone to spice up the relationship and friendship between you and your spouse.

As this post comes to an end, I challenge you to do three things in the coming days and weeks. Take that much needed “me time”. Don’t allow yourself to lose sight of who you are as an individual. Then, encourage your spouse to take some of their own time. This allows them to remember they are more than a spouse and parent too. Lastly, take that much needed time together. Go on dates. Get out of your comfort zone. Do something with them they like doing, even if it’s not your cup of tea, without grumbling about it! Go eat at that restaurant your spouse wants to try. Enjoy conversations together, laugh with one another, and thank your lucky stars they are in your life.

P.S. This goes out to anyone in need whether you know me or not. I have my email in the contact page. If anyone ever feels alone, sad, or hopeless, email me. Let's talk. I know I am not alone, and neither are you.

Goals for MY marriage 11.9.2023;

Today’s topic I want to talk about having goals, both for yourself and for your marriage. Goals are important in both aspects. Maybe it’s something small like cutting alcohol or sugar out of your diet. Maybe it’s a weight loss goal to make you feel better about yourself personally. Or maybe it’s a goal you and your spouse are working on together to make your marriage stronger than ever. Whatever the goals may be, whether personal or together, these goals keep you focused. They give you a sense of accountability for you and your spouse. It allows you both to work towards the same “bigger picture” even if you are working on certain goals separately.

As of the past 18 – 24 months, I have not had a goal-oriented mindset. Both individually and in my marriage. I have put them off because I hadn't been dealing with the loss of my father in the ways I should have. I was scatter-brained. I wasn’t focused on anything important. Just getting through the week was sometimes all I had the energy for. And I was shutting everyone out who loves me. Treating them poorly and becoming distant. I was slowly forgetting about the bigger picture my spouse and I set out to accomplish when we originally said, “I Do”. As I am refocusing my mind, I'm starting to focus on some of my past goals again. I’ve also started seeing new goals I never thought I wanted. One major past goal I’m refocusing on is being a healthier person. This is both with the food I put in my body and therapy to help with my mind. It's crazy, once I started eating a littler healthier again, I started feeling lighter in my body. I noticed I’m not bloated, I don’t feel greasy, and I don’t have these headaches all the time. In all honesty, since I’ve been eating healthier, it’s also subconsciously made me want to work out again. With the bloated feeling, headaches, and the feeling of yuck all gone, my body wants to work out. It wants to move. It wants to be pushed to sweat and feel strong. This is just one thing I’m working on personally. Another is therapy. I had done some therapy sessions in the past with the passing of my brother. They did help. I unfortunately stopped going for no good reason other than I was busy with life. Which is an excuse. Talking to someone really does help. If you’re out there reading this and don’t think it helps, try it. I promise you’ll be surprised how good you’ll feel afterwards. It does not make you a failure. And the last one I’ll share is one that goes back to what I wrote about in my last post. I want to take more “me” time. This can also be good to help refocus the mind. I’m working on this by getting back into tennis on the weekends. Looking for fun activities to do with friends. And trying new things such as this blog.

As I set my sight on some of those individual goals to better myself, there are some goals I personally want to put into action to better my relationship. I’d like to get back to taking family pictures. This is something I used to grumble about every time we did them. Crazy thing is, I miss them so badly now. I miss having new family pictures hung up in the house to show how much we’ve all grown each year. This is something that meant a lot to my spouse, that I now see the importance of as well. Another would be taking my wife on dates again. Both with groups of friends and just us. As I’ve said in past posts, my dad was the one that helped make that happen. He’d come down and watch the girls so my spouse and I could go out and enjoy a night together. He knew that was important to help keep a relationship strong. Next is, continuing to learn better communication skills with my spouse. I'm better than I have been in a long time but there's always more work to be done in that category for me. This next one is a big one for me. Learn how to forgive and forget. That is very important to learn to do so your relationship can flourish and move forward. Instead, I’ve allowed it to hinder my relationship with my spouse from growing. I want to dance with my wife. I so badly would love to take her out, eat, laugh, have a few drinks and I’m not joking, dance with her. I would also love to renew our vows. This November 11^th will be our 13-year anniversary. 13 years people! I consider myself a very lucky man that I have found the woman of my dreams, that I want to spend the rest of my life with, at such a young age. Not everyone gets that lucky. And lastly, I never ever, ever want to take advantage of my wife's love again. I don’t want a day to go by, from here on out, where she has to question my commitment to growing in this relationship with her. I want her to be proud of me as I am of her. I want to lift each other up and take on this world together!

As this post comes to an end, I challenge you to do two things. I challenge you to set a few personal goals to better yourself mentally and physically. Then set a few goals you’d like to work on to help better your relationship and marriage. Be intentional with these goals and put forth the extra effort. Because I can’t say it to enough people, we are only here in this life for a blink of an eye, and then we are gone. Let’s stop taking advantage of the ones we love and start living life full of happiness, love, and laughter.

P.S. This goes out to anyone in need whether you know me or not. I have my email in the contact page. If anyone ever feels alone, sad, or hopeless, email me. Let's talk. I know I am not alone, and neither are you.

Alcohol and My Relationship 11.10.23;

Today's post I decided to dive back into something that I have struggled with multiple times in my adult life. It has taken hold of me in the past in ways I never thought possible. That struggle is with alcohol. As I sit here today writing this post, I can confidently say I am currently not dealing with any issues related to alcohol. But that doesn’t mean what I have dealt with in the past hasn’t had a direct impact on what I’m going through today. As I share my journey of the two major times in my life that alcohol has taken hold, I will also explain what I’ve learned from those instances and how I’ve made changes to help combat falling back into that rut of alcohol abuse.

My first bout of alcohol abuse goes back to 2013 and lasted into the beginning of 2015. To be honest, I can’t even remember what exactly caused it to start. I don’t think there was a specific reason why I was turning to alcohol. It was simply easy. It was easy to grab a 6 pack after work, go hang with the few guys in the neighborhood that also drank, and just talk and have a good time. That’s truly how innocent it all started. Occasionally we’d head to the local bar to play darts and mess around on the pool table. It was just a way of staying busy. Unfortunately, things changed for me. I started craving it after work, even when my spouse and I had other things to do. I started needing a certain amount to help me get to sleep. And if I didn’t have that certain amount, Id lay there in bed, tossing and turning because I hadn't had that certain amount of alcohol before I laid down. Funny thing is, the longer I drank, the worse my sleep was getting. So, as the dumba** I was back then, I started drinking more to combat not sleeping well. Not thinking it was the alcohol itself that was causing me to sleep poorly. This caused a rift in our marriage. We fought more often over little things. I started distancing myself from her. I started staying up later, alone, to sit in the living room and just drink to try and get tired. There were a lot of nights my spouse went to bed alone, because of my addiction. There were a lot of nights our oldest daughter saw her dad completely out of it. In 2015 we moved into what I like to call our “forever” home. We had another child on the way and life seemed great. But I was still drinking. Still using it as a tool to fend off boredom and to “help" me get to sleep. By this point, I was probably drinking a 12 pack a night just to get to the point I could fall asleep for a few hours. I was running on fumes. And I started lying to my spouse about how much I was drinking. The straw that finally broke the camel’s back was when my spouse found out I had been sneaking away with the credit card to purchase alcohol. Suddenly, our statements were higher. $35 here, $40 dollars there. It was adding up quickly. She confronted me about the statements, and I just broke down. I started crying. I had known I had a problem for some time, and I just simply didn’t want to admit it to myself. When I finally did, it was like a weight lifted off my chest. I felt like crying out in freedom from this burden. So, I quit. I quit it all cold turkey. I made a direct effort to stay away from alcohol when we’d go out. I learned to say no when someone offered it to me. I paid back the debt I had accrued while dealing with that problem. And most importantly, I worked with my wife to get back to being the couple we once were.

As life went on, years went by, and I didn’t touch a single drop of alcohol. Didn’t even like the taste of it because of what it had done to me in the past. Even when it came to my job ending injury in 2016 and the loss of my oldest brother Brian in 2018, I hadn't touched a drop. I was extremely proud of myself for that. Going through those and not having that alcohol as a crutch felt like a win in my book. Then, as the whole world came to a grinding halt in March of 2020, Covid hit. Suddenly, I was home 24/7. I was working, but it wasn’t nearly the time I was putting in before covid. I was sitting around, playing with the kids, and trying to find anything to keep myself and us busy. With my wife working in healthcare, her life didn’t slow down as much. She was still heading to work on and off, as the protocol was way different at that time. As I became more and more bored with sitting around the house, I slowly started reaching for a bottle of fireball. Again, it started out innocent. It started as a shot here and there just to get into this carefree state of mind. It was too easy. The kids and I had nowhere to go and nothing of much importance to do. But, as time went on, things became less innocent. I started slipping back into the cravings. I started taking a shot here and there, but much earlier in the day. Which then led to taking shots all the way up to bedtime. Again, my spouse and I started growing apart with my addiction. You would think that I would’ve seen the signs. I would’ve noticed certain habits coming back and shut those habits down before they became a problem again. I didn’t. I continued to drink. This lasted through 2020 and into 2021. On the positive side of things, I did wake up to my problem of drinking this time a lot earlier than the first. I didn’t let it go for years this time. I didn’t hit as much of a “rock bottom” as I did the first time. I finally woke up one day. I noticed drifting between my wife and I in our marriage. I was also feeling like complete garbage almost daily, so I decided it was time to make a change for myself and for us. I can say I'm glad I woke up, in 2021, when I did. Because little did I know, my dad would become sick and not make it through the summer of 2021. I'm glad I was sober for his last months on earth. I'm glad I was clear headed enough to take him to his appointments and not need that crutch of alcohol to “help” me through losing him. I'm glad I could be strong for him when he couldn’t be strong for himself. And I’m extremely proud of myself for not going back to the bottle after losing him.

As this post comes to an end, I challenge you to seek help if it is needed in your life. For whatever reason that may be. Maybe it’s alcohol abuse. Maybe it’s the need to talk to someone to help with your mental health. Whatever it is, you are not alone. There are people out there who love you and want to help you feel whole again. Life is too short, and time is too precious here on earth. Make the change for yourself and your family.

P.S. This goes out to anyone in need whether you know me or not. I have my email in the contact page. If anyone ever feels alone, sad, or hopeless, email me. Let's talk. I know I am not alone, and neither are you.

Happiness is a Choice 11.13.2023;

Today’s topic is about a saying I’ve heard many times in my life. I used to think it was just something people said when someone else was in a negative mood or feeling down. That’s saying is, “happiness is a choice”. I know I’ve even said it to someone before. Funny thing is, I was giving someone that advice, yet not taking that advice myself. It seems so easy sometimes to dish out advice to the problems of others. But, as I sit back and think about it today, am I choosing happiness? Am I choosing to wake up and be happy every single day? Or am I waking up and allowing outside noise to dictate how I’m going to feel that day?

I just recently started looking into this as I’ve been doing some much-needed soul searching. I decided to do some reading about it. Listened to a podcast about it. And I will be bringing it up in therapy later this month. But I did read/hear a few things that were interesting and seemed to relate to me. I realized there are things that I was allowing to control my mood daily. I realized for me, real happiness doesn't mean I have a lack of negative things happening in my life. But I do have the ability to stay focused on the positive things in my life without allowing those negative feelings to control how I treat myself, my family, and others. This was a huge realization for me. I do have negative things that are happening in my life. As a matter of fact, at this very moment, it feels like my life is falling apart around me. Things I’ve worked so hard for, just gone. But in the past, I’ve been allowing those negative things to control my outlook on life. It was like a sickness, once I allowed it to creep in, it took over so much of me. I would go to bed in a negative mood which would lead to me waking up in a negative mood. Then that slowly became a habit for me. Once it was habit, it was part of me and my daily routine. So, over the past few weeks, I've been actively working on my mindset regarding “choosing happiness” daily. I wake up every morning now and think of 3 positive things that are going on in my life. Sometimes they are super simple like, I slept well last night, or hey today’s Friday! (I wish). Sometimes they are bigger things like my daughter kicked butt in her first ever wrestling match, thanking my lucky stars my family is healthy, or the fantastic anniversary dinner date my spouse and I enjoyed last weekend. Regardless of what they are, I say three things before I do anything else in the morning. This sets my day up for a positive start.

That hasn’t been the only thing I’ve learned. I’ve also learned that I don’t need to attach happiness to successes or achievements in my life, exclusively. I'm not saying don’t be happy or proud of yourself if, for instance, you get that new job or that pay raise you’ve worked so hard for. But what I am saying is those types of successes shouldn’t be the only reason you are happy in life. It shouldn’t take me winning at something or achieving something to control my mood on a daily basis. I started going through life, waiting for these successes and achievements to make me feel happy and whole. I allowed them to control my mood and the way I treated others. And when the achievements or successes weren't met, that lead me to disappointment and feeling down about myself. Then it was like a snowball effect of unhappiness until that next win or success happened.

Lastly, I have learned that working on “choosing happiness” is something you need to do with intent. Just saying it once in a while is not enough. It needs to be practiced daily. It is not something you can work on for a week and boom, you’re fixed. With that all being said, if you do have a negative day, let’s face it, we are all going to have them now and again. Do not let that one day consume you. Don’t look at that day as a backslide from the progress you have made to this point. Don’t feed the negativity monster. Find those tools that help bring you back to your center. Allow the negative to pass and move on. Choose positivity, choose happiness and most importantly choose love.

As this post comes to an end, I challenge anyone that is struggling with “choosing happiness” in their life, to do your research. Maybe that’s done by reading, listening to a podcast, or talking to someone professionally. Find those tools, whatever they may be, that help you choose happiness even when faced with a negative day. I can tell you; it is not an overnight fix. It isn't even a couple week fix. But I promise it is worth the effort. Your mind will thank you; your body will thank you, and your family will thank you. As I have been reminding myself lately, life is too short to continue down this negative path. It’s time to make a meaningful change and choose happiness for myself, my spouse, and my family.

P.S. This goes out to anyone in need whether you know me or not. I have my email in the contact page. If anyone ever feels alone, sad, or hopeless, email me. Let's talk. I know I am not alone, and neither are you.

Love Languages 11.16.2023;

Today’s topic is on a subject that I wasn't too familiar with in the past. It wasn’t until I heard it on a podcast that I started to pay attention. Then I heard it again on another one…….and again. Then, as I did some reading, boom, there it was again. So, I started doing some research. The research I’ve been doing is on “love languages”. This is a newer concept for me. I think I’ve heard of this before in some general conversation, but never put a single ounce of thought into it. It has to do with how people in relationships both express and receive love for one another. I’ve always thought love was kind of the same for everyone. You “love” them, simple as that, right? WRONG! As I’m learning, we as humans are not at all the same when it comes to love. It’s like every individual person on this planet, we all have different personalities, so it would make sense that we all have different love languages as well. Keep in mind, as I go through the five types of love languages I’ve researched, you are not always going to be exclusive to just one of these groups. You may find yourself falling into multiple groups. But there will always be that one dominant group that most relates to you and your needs when it comes to love.

Those five love language groups include:

• Words of Affirmation - expressing affection through spoken words, praise, or appreciation. They enjoy words of encouragement, uplifting quotes, love notes, and cute text messages from their loved one.
• Quality Time - they feel loved when their loved one is present and focused when they are together. This means putting down the cell phone, turning off the computer, making eye contact, and actively listening.
• Physical Touch - feeling love through physical affection. Aside from sex, they feel loved when their loved one holds their hand, lays down next to them, or a simple kiss when they come home.
• Acts of Service - nice things they do for their loved one that makes them feel appreciated and loved, such as helping with the dishes, running errands, vacuuming, or something as simple as putting gas in their car.
• Receiving Gifts - gift-giving indicates love and affection. They appreciate not only the gift itself but also the time and effort their loved one put into it.

Now that I have listed a very quick breakdown of each of those 5 love languages, I can say two of them stick out to me in relation to my personal love language. I can tell you with 100% certainty my dominant love language is "Physical Touch". And no, it's not all because of sex. I mean, yes of course that's great, as it is for most, I’m sure. But when I think of physical touch and how it makes me feel, it makes me feel wanted. It makes me feel special. Like my spouse only sees me in that kind of light and no one else. For instance, the kiss I would receive when I got home from a long workday made me feel extremely special. Holding hands on a date night as we walk into the restaurant or venue together. Resting her head on my chest as we have a movie night together. That long lasting hug where we just hold each other for a moment and appreciate we are here, in this moment, together. Or maybe the most obvious one, intimacy between my spouse and me. I respond to this “physical touch” type of love language no matter how big or small the gesture may be fom my spouse. It makes me feel loved unconditionally. I appreciate my spouse for taking the time to do those things that may seem so small or meanless to her, but mean so much to me. This is what makes me feel appreciated, wanted, and needed as a husband.

As for the others, I’d say my secondary love laungauge is “Acts of Service”. This one I think a lot of people who are parents can relate to. It’s helping, whether that be around the house, grocery shopping, laundry, or taking the kids to do things so the other can have a safe space to feel like they can leave and have “me” time without feeling guilty for not being with the family. The list goes on and on. Most couples now a days don’t have that luxury of having one of them staying home, doing those household duties, while the other can be the main provider financially. That world just doesn’t exist anymore like it used to. It is a balancing act now a days when it comes to making sure those types of household duties can get done, holding down a full-time job, and still ensuring time for yourself, time with your spouse alone, and time with your family. For me, "Acts of Service" means working as a team. Doing something for our spouse to help make their life easier and vice versa. Because when two people truly love each other, they will do anything to help make each other’s lives easier and better together.

As I’m writing this, I want to say I am no expert in this field whatsoever. I’ve only done a little bit of research. I’m still currently figuring out how I can work on what my spouse needs from me when it comes to her type of love language. But I want to put in that effort. 100% I do. I want to show her I’m willing to re-evaluate how I look at and treat her and our marriage. I want to change for the better. I want to know my spouse inside and out again. I want to break down the barriers we have built up between us. And I do believe learning each other's love languages will really open us up to a new world of understanding each other's wants and needs.

As this post comes to an end, I challenge anyone reading this to investigate the 5 love languages if you haven’t already. Talk with your spouse or loved one about them. Figure out which love language group you fall into. Maybe it’ll help you both open up about wants and needs you two hadn't ever expressed with one another before. Create a new line of communication that will help your relationship prosper. Life is simply too short, break down the barriers between you and your loved one before it’s too late.

P.S. This goes out to anyone in need whether you know me or not. I have my email in the contact page. If anyone ever feels alone, sad, or hopeless, email me. Let's talk. I know I am not alone, and neither are you.

Appreciate the “Here and Now” 11.18.2023;

Today’s topic is about something I’ve struggled with doing on and off for a long time now. For far too long, actually. As I have been talking with people the past few weeks, I have found I’m not alone when it comes to this topic. The topic is appreciating the “here and now”. I’ll start by saying I didn’t always take advantage of living in the “here and now”. I used to live life one day at a time. I enjoyed doing things on a whim without worrying about what tomorrow will bring. And I didn’t look so far into the future and get stressed about it. As I’ve gotten older, things have changed for me, and I’ve been struggling to live in the “here and now”.

I’ll start back in 2010. I was young, hardheaded, and I didn’t let much stress me out at the time. I kind of felt invincible. I barely thought about my future and lived every day very carefree. Then, at 1:23am on December 17^th, 2010, my life changed forever. In the best way possible, mind you. Along came the most precious little girl I had ever laid my eyes on, my first daughter. She was perfect. My Spouse and I had been blessed with a healthy, strong, beautiful little girl. I can’t even explain the overflow of emotions I had as I held her for the first time. Soon after leaving the hospital, the flood of emotions of having a newborn started wearing off, and reality started setting in. Do I make enough money to be a dad? Am I a good enough person, myself, to help raise a child? What if something happens to her, and I don’t know what to do? So many thoughts started rushing through my head. I started stressing about all those things and more. I will admit, I didn’t do the best job of keeping a cool head when it came to facing adversity those first few years of being a father. If, for instance, we didn’t have enough money at the time to get something extra for her, I would feel like an absolute failure. I would allow it to bring me down or even worse, I’d get mad at myself. Then I would project those feelings onto my spouse and others. Not realizing our daughter had everything she absolutely needed at home to be a happy, healthy baby. She had food, a safe home, a mother, and father that loved her so much. But, instead of appreciating those things, I would sit and stress about how I wasn’t providing all the extras for her. I was wrapped up in my head, stressing about things out of my control, instead of enjoying her in the “here and now”. As time went on, I did try working on myself and those issues of not appreciating what was happening right in front of me. Instead of getting tied up in my head about things that were out of my control. Things did eventually get better, and I was able to start living in the “here and now” again. It felt great to break free from that weight of stressing the future and not enjoying the present. As our second daughter came along in 2015, I did find ways of working through those same feelings I had with our first daughter. Ways of handling adversity without putting myself down or spinning into anger because I couldn’t handle my emotions. I was able to continue to live in the “here and now”.

As time went on, I soon lost my oldest brother in March of 2018 and father in July of 2021. You would think the loss of close loved ones would make you realize that time is too precious to sit around and dwell on things out of your control. That you need to live for today and not worry about what the future may hold. It was the opposite for me. I started thinking about death, a lot. Probably an unhealthy amount. At this point, I should’ve realized it was time to go talk with someone professionally. I wasn’t enjoying life anymore. I wasn’t handling the losses in a healthy way. I would hyper focus on things to keep me distracted from my feelings. I would dive deep into household duties to keep myself busy. I stopped doing things for myself, like playing tennis on the weekends, for instance. I wasn’t present in my spouse and daughters lives like I should’ve been. I was allowing those thoughts disconnect me from my loved ones and things that made me happy. And worst of all, I stopped living in the “here and now”.

As I jump forward to the present, our kids are getting older and more involved in activities. My spouse has been back to school a few times to achieve different degrees. And I’ve moved up the financial ladder myself when it comes to my career. But, with all the good happening in our lives, I’ve noticed I’m starting to slip again. I'm, once again, not living in the “here and now”. It’s hard when my spouse and I are constantly running in different directions for different things, whether that be for the kids, our careers, or time for ourselves. We seem to always be looking into the future to plan out what our next months of activities will be for us and the kids. As I’ve been slipping back into my old habits, I’ve started shutting myself away in the house on the weekends to avoid living in the “here and now”. I’ve been finding things to distract me from living my life. I’ve stopped wanting to go out with my spouse on the weekends, if she and I would get time away from kids or career activities. I’ve instead just sat around and obsessed over household chores. Nothing of any importance whatsoever. I’ve gotten almost hyper focused on the things that keep me distracted. For example, I’ve started needing all the laundry done before the end of the weekend or I feel like a complete failure. I’ve been constantly sweeping and swiffering the floors when there is the slightest dirt mark or leaves dragged in by the kids from playing outside. I’ve had a hard time not wiping down every countertop, all the time, if I find one little dirty spot from sticky kid fingers. I’ve let my distractions of not living in the “here and now” consume me. The strangest part is, I’ve been aware this is happening. I’ve been aware I’m allowing these stupid household duties distract me from living my life. It’s like a weird obsession that's weighed heavy on me. But it’s become habit for me, and I just haven't been able to break the cycle of doing it week in and week out. Luckily, this behavior has been pointed out to me by my spouse. I had been reluctant to believe her in the past. But now, I do see that I’ve allowed the stress of things that are out of my control, control my very behavior daily. I’m not living in the “here and now”, I’m simply distracting myself and getting by.

As this post comes to an end, I challenge you to look around. See what you have in front of you and appreciate it. Appreciate the fact you have people in your life that love you. Don’t allow yourself to become distracted with things that don’t matter in the end. Stop stressing about things in the past or future that are out of your control. Start enjoying today and live in the “here and now”.

“Yesterday’s the past, tomorrow’s the future, but today is a gift. That why it’s called the present.”

-Bil Keane

P.S. This goes out to anyone in need whether you know me or not. I have my email in the contact page. If anyone ever feels alone, sad, or hopeless, email me. Let's talk. I know I am not alone, and neither are you.

Appreciation 11.25.2023;

I thought today's topic would be a good one with it being the Thanksgiving holiday season. It's something I hadn't been showing in the recent past. The topic is appreciation. Showing appreciation for loved ones can easily get overlooked with how busy life can be these days. And for me, I really started to forget the importance of showing my spouse and children how much I appreciate them.

As I’ve talked about in past posts, I’ve been working on myself when it comes to a lot of different things in my personal life. I have realized I’ve been in “cruise control”. Getting by, but not finding any real enjoyment in what I was doing daily. Or I’ve brought up how recent losses have wrecked me emotionally. But, as I’m actively working on those things and more for myself, its opening my eyes to how un-appreciative I’ve been towards my loved ones. The same loved ones that have stood by my side and were also directly affected by what I’ve been going through. I was so wrapped up in my own head, I forgot that it's not all about me. I may be going through stuff, plenty of stuff, but that doesn’t mean I’m the only one in my family that is. For instance, yes, I lost my dad. But I wasn’t fully considering the other side of the picture. I wasn’t considering that my daughters lost their grandpa. Or my spouse lost her father-in-law. I may have lost my brother, but my daughters lost their uncle, and my spouse lost her brother-in-law. I got selfish with my grieving and made it all about what “I” was going through instead of looking at it as what “We” were going through. We could’ve tackled these losses together, as a family, but instead I became selfish and complacent. When my family was selflessly there for me in my time of need, I didn’t show my appreciation for them standing by my side. I took their love and kindness for granted. And most importantly, I didn’t show appreciation for them putting their feelings on hold to make sure I was ok.

As I reflect on how I should’ve been showing more appreciation towards my family, one of my biggest mistakes was I slowly stopped showing appreciation for spouse all together. She has been in my corner since day one, without question. She has been behind me through all mine and our ups and downs. Especially mine through these last few years. And she has been my steady shoulder to cry on. But, instead of handling my feelings in a healthy manner by opening up to her and talking about how I was feeling during those losses, I shut down and stopped being a good husband. It wasn’t fair to her that I needed her as my shoulder to cry on, but at the same time, shut her out from what I was feeling. It wasn’t fair to her that I let my feelings and lack of communication build up and turn into anger. I never once gave her the “thank you” she deserved for being the strong one in the family when I couldn’t be. And she did this for me, all while having the stress of acquiring her master's degree and grieving the same losses in her own way. It was like my feelings came first. I didn’t reciprocate that shoulder to cry on when she needed it from me. I didn’t give her that safe space to open up about all she was going through in her personal life. My selfishness created a very one-sided relationship when it came to feelings.  

As I have become aware of all this, I have made it a goal of mine to better show my appreciation for my spouse and children. This starts with my actions. I want to be more present in their lives. I have always been there for them, but haven't always been actively there, if that makes sense. This starts with getting rid of the distractions and focusing on them and their needs. I’m also going to continue my active listening. I had gotten all too comfortable with “tuning” them out when I was stressed. I do want to be the man and father my spouse and children deserve. Be the one they feel completely safe opening up to. Another is to stop taking everything so seriously. I got to a point where I just couldn't have fun. I would get all wound up about something, big or small, and then project those feelings onto my family and create a tense environment for everyone. Lastly, I am going to stop trying to handle situations in the same way I have in the past and expect different results. That is not the way things work. If I want change, which I do, that change starts with me, my actions, and my attitude.

As this post comes to an end, I want everyone to take a moment on this extended weekend to put down the phones, turn off the distractions around you, and make sure your loved ones know how much you appreciate them, unconditionally. 

P.S. This goes out to anyone in need whether you know me or not. I have my email in the contact page. If anyone ever feels alone, sad, or hopeless, email me. Let's talk. I know I am not alone, and neither are you.

Positive Affirmations 11.29.2023;

Today, I decided to go a completely different route than I have in past posts. My past posts have been about things I need to work on personally for myself and my family. As healthy is that is to realize what you need to work on, it is equally as important to remember all the positives you bring to the table. As I’ve been looking into the negatives of what I need to work on, I’m starting to realize the positives about me extremely outweigh the negatives. So, todays topic is “positive affirmations”.

I used to think the only positive things I brought to the table of life were the things I did around the house. Doing the dishes, doing the laundry, folding, putting laundry away, cleaning the pool, mowing the lawn, etc. Those are just chores. Yes, I'm sure my wife is stoked to have a husband that doesn’t have to be told even once to do those things, because I’m already doing them. But doing those chores isn't why she married me. She married me for so much more, because I am so much more. For one, I'm a really funny guy. I crack jokes constantly and act quirky. That’s who I’ve always been. Shoot, sometimes I just walk around the house singing random stuff to my kids, wife and even the animals. Long before the days of my wife and kids, I was a goofball. I never took anything too seriously. I was a free spirit and loved making people laugh. Next is, I am loyal to the core. If you’re in my corner, if I consider you a friend or family, I will stand by you through better or worse. I will be there for you when you need me, no questions asked. Another is, I am pretty darn good looking. I tend to forget that sometimes, but as I’ve been putting in the work both with my eating habits and working out, I’ve started to notice an extreme confidence boost mentally. And it feels fantastic. Which then leads directly into the next one I’ve been working on and that is confidence. As I’ve gotten older, the confidence is still there, it just unfortunately comes and goes more than it did in the past. But, with the work I’ve been putting in, I can say without a doubt, I feel more confident about my looks, personality, and overall health than I have in almost a decade. For the first time in quite a while, I have a sincere smile on my face, I am proud of myself, and I feel great about what I have accomplished so far. I will say, checking off some of the goals I’ve recently set for myself is a real confidence booster. Achievement in itself is a confidence booster. Big or small, I look at all my achievements as positives these days.

As I branch out from some of the positives about me personally, I can say as a husband and father, I’m great at both. Yes, I’ve had moments where I regressed into a shell of who I really am. Yes, I’ve said things I wish I could take back, but never can. And yes, some of my actions have been less than ideal when it came to handling adversity with the kids or my wife. But I can confidently say that those were just moments of weakness. They never defined who I am or affected my drive to be the best husband and father I could be. I am there for my family unconditionally. My loyalty to them is inconceivable. I am at every event, some might say as the family cheerleader, and I’d have it no other way. I am and have been there for every celebration in our lives whether that be graduations, birthdays, grad parties, holidays, sporting events, work events, etc. I just don’t miss, because it is important to me that they know I am in their corner. It's important to me that they look out into the crowd and see me cheering them on. I’ve also really enjoyed the time I’ve taken to volunteer coach for my kids' sports activities. Mostly soccer and a little basketball, but I can tell by the look they give me, they love it that I’m their coach. They appreciate the time I take out of my day to be there for the practices and games. They love that I’m cheering them on in that coaching roll. What this all boils down to at the end of the day is, I am truly a family man. That’s what I want out of my life and that’s what I feel I am meant for. I love the weekend activities, coaching sports, holidays and the activities that come along with the holidays, family movie nights, family game nights, and just family time in general. I simply love being with my wife and kids. 

As this post comes to an end, I challenge you to stop thinking negatively about yourself or your situation when life isn't going your way. Remember all the positives about yourself. Remember those positives heavily out way the negatives. Be kind and thankful for what you have. Love yourself and your family unconditionally. Because we are only here for a brief moment in time on this beautiful planet, we all call home.

P.S. This goes out to anyone in need whether you know me or not. I have my email in the contact page. If anyone ever feels alone, sad, or hopeless, email me. Let's talk. I know I am not alone, and neither are you.